Pet Peeves

Driving in a truck that is on it's last leg, I watch people. I have the time.

( I am up higher than a lot of cars on the road, you should see the view)

I see them pass me so I pass them. Just to get a better look.

There are the luxury car drivers.

You have the ones that own them, and the ones that borrow them.

You can always tell the difference. Luxury car owners look at other cars and sneer. They pass you with a vengeance. (how dare you waste space on their road!)

They are usually dressed in one of two manners.

Those who wear the crisp tailored suit, complete with tie so tight you can see the veins bulging in their temples. (like it isn't 106 degrees, but hey they are cool right?)

Then you have the polo wearing, overly manicured middle aged generation.

(you know the ones with the unmoving hair and sunburned scalp)

The "Borrowers" have the per-ma smile.

This I know from experience.

(I had an orgasmic test drive this afternoon in a sports truck I hope to kill for one day)

These are the drivers you have to pay attention to, chances are they are in a euphoric state that will prevent them from staying on coarse. They may swerve from time to time endangering your less than exceptional vehicle. They won't even notice you laying on your horn and foaming at the mouth.

There are your average shit-boxes.

You will know them by the cloud of black smoke,

trail of oil or things that fall of them as they go.

(those are extra parts by the way, if you don't have extra parts then the jobs not done right!)

 There are those foreign jobbies.

The one's you have to be under 25 to drive.

(if you are any older than that, it is assumed you are having some sort of life crisis and are only trying to reclaim your youth with a spoiler and a 55 gallon drum as a tailpipe)

They weave in and out of traffic because they have to piss so bad they might not make it home.

(I like to wait until they are on my ass and then slam on the brakes so hard they get stuck under my bumper)

For the record, Acura's need a tow truck to get them out.

(unless you are willing to take the time to break out your jack, raise your vehicle while kicking theirs free)

Minivans are my least favorite vehicle to share the road with.

Some of these women are crazy, use EXTREME caution when approaching them.

You have to remember, these chicks have to deal with multiple children all day, most often that is only the half of it. Husbands, PTA, soccer practice, cheer. They have to be able to drive at speeds unheard of while talking on the cell, checking the GPS, handing one kid a melting ice cream while changing anothers diaper. Then there is the radio, her coffee spilling and that frigging dog on her lap.

(I'm exhausted just typing about it)

You have the mystery cars.

(you have no idea what they were, you were in shock by what was going on INSIDE them!)

The guy who reads the paper at every light, and doesn't bother to put it down in between them.

The nose pickers.

(hey, listen man, you are SURROUNDED by GLASS! I can see you are up to your elbow with no chance of manual extraction)

You knew THIS was coming...

That's right, the hand jobbers.

I know Howard Stern has a lot of leeway, but is that seriously ALL that gets you off?

(wait a minute, didn't I see you getting head on 684 last week?)

There are a few moving billboards.

While commuting everyday to Chappaqua a few years back, there was an old pick up with a camper-top.

This guy, (who I am positive had an arsenal under his seat),

had every adultery-related bible verse vinyled on every available spot on that truck.

(his wife must have been some kind of whore to have made him advertise the shit for 40 miles each way)

Tractor trailers.

Most of you are aware of them, and a bit intimidated by them.

These drivers drive long distances. Some for days straight. It IS a little nerve wracking to see them on a cell or reading a map at 85 MPH.

As big as these things are, I find their presence comforting and sometimes flattering.

I can slip in between two of the big guys and no one is stupid enough to get close enough to me to ride my ass. In fact, I have found that with a little courtesy and a smile, not only will they protect you from other drivers but the speed traps as well.

(it's always nice when they beep or try to keep up just to get another look at me)

(okay, many of them are kind of creepy and the obscene gestures I've seen should be left to porn flicks but it still reminds me that I am still a woman)

How about the Buicks and Caddies on the road?

Is it me or is being under 4 feet tall a pre-requisite to buying one of these bad boys?

How about age discrimination? MUST you be in your 80's to have one?

With the exception of the Escalade.

Seems to me that that is the "first car" of the 21st century.

(what the hell does a 16 year old do to deserve one?)

Must be something divorcing or absent parents use to buy loyalty.

(wish my parents thought of that)

MOTORCYCLES.

THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.

STOP riding their asses.

(I have purposely hit several cars that thought they needed to be 2 feet from the bike in front of them)

Some of them race up the shoulder of stopped traffic I know, but consider this, they aren't trying to "beat" you. It is NOT personal. GET OVER IT. Part of the beauty of a bike is that you are small enough to go where cars can't. If it pisses you off that much, kick a puppy or swing a cat by the tail. 

(sounds ridiculous right? so does your bitching)

Funeral processions.

Without trying to sound insensitive, what is with that shit?

I have to be late so some dead guy can get to the cemetery on time?

(seriously?)

It must be someone's idea of a joke.

Like that is going to be the last time they are able to piss somebody off so it's gotta be big.

Have I missed anyone?

Yes, YES I HAVE.

Out of staters.

Please, Please, GO HOME.

You obviously haven't a clue where you are going and you give your states drivers a bad name.

(I can tell an out of state driver a mile away, just knowing they are on the same road gives me road rage)

OH shit! What about the rolling beat boxes?

For the love of all things holy!

Turn that shit you call music down!

It is NOT cool that your trunk rattles louder than your speaker.

No, your windows should not shake loose from the seals.

If your mother knew how you spent the food-stamps she would be pissed.

Muscle cars are a personal favorite.

(however I find it offensive when the drivers toupee is styled in the fashion of what ever year the car was made in.)

Pick Ups.

Back in my day,

Bad Ass Boys Drove Bad Ass Toys.

Now, it appears that every bitch with penis envy feels the need to have one.

(when I speed up to catch up to that sick truck only to find some ugly chick is in the drivers seat instead of the God I was praying it would be, I want to vomit. although if she happened to look like Megan Fox...)

Serves me right, I shouldn't be speeding, I might throw a rod.

I can admit I, on occasion, am jealous.

I can't imagine what it would be like to get in my truck and have it start every time or go across country without worrying whether or not I'll make it back.

But that does not excuse the assholes on the road.

Just be wary of how you treat other drivers.

You never know when you will come across someone like me.

(I have absolutely no problem impaling the radiator of your car on my tow hitch)

Also, if I see you putting mascara on in your rear-view at 70 MPH, I AM going to hit you just to see if your eyeball stays on the wand while you careen into the guardrail.

If I can spend as much time on the road as I do and still have a sense of humor, then you can attempt to behave like a human being, and for shit sake, before buying a car, look at the kind of people that drive it. Do you REALLY want to be categorized with THEM?