*Click, Click, Click*

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

MY home is...

warm, but not too.

cozy and welcoming.

full of the people I love.

where everyone is healthy, happy and whole.

where animals are running about, healthy.

where food is plentiful.

the place no one has to worry if there's going to be heat or electric tomorrow.

where's there's always hot water.

fun!

comforting.

where the heart is.

When I find it, you're all invited.

Sigh

Perhaps it's time I stop fighting.

This day to day struggle is exhausting.

What would happen if I just laid in bed?
Who would do the dishes?

Would the world crumble if I didn't run out there to save it?
Lacrosse.
Cheer.
Doctors.
Dentists.
Work.
Shopping.
What if...

So what, someone would have to wipe their own ass.
Maybe someone would have to scrub their own house.

I wouldn't need any money if I just stayed in bed.

Who would help ME?
I don't need electric. Food.
I don't even need a roof over my head.
I could live under a bridge.

Guess the kids will just have to fend for themselves.
The world will have to make do.
Maybe I'll go on strike.
Damn it I'm tired.

I know, I know.
I can hear my mother's voice in my head.
"You can't do that!"
"You have responsibilities!"
"You should have thought about that before you had kids!"
"What good is that going to do you?"
"That's just not how it works."
I know Ma.

I know.

So, I'll continue to torture myself... for the children.
I'll run myself into the ground... for whatever reason.
I'll be bedridden by the time I'm 40 at this rate anyway.
I'm getting up.
I'm getting up.

There are days, it's better to stay away from social networking.

 You could start a panic.

One rough moment in a lifetime of smooth sailing can disrupt every "friend" you have.

Or, if you have rough moments often, I'll refer you to the childhood story, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf".

You know the one, the adults in your life used to throw that at you every time they didn't want to listen to you.

Not to get off topic but,

it needed to be said.

One minute you are posting a two word status, the next, you are bombarded with enough love, comfort  (and a few threats concerning potential long-term house guests!) to get you through the next eighteen menstrual cycles and three family crisis.

Now THAT'S saying something!

I love my people. I do.

Just when you think you've faded into the background,

you are reminded that's not how family works. 

There are no "small parts" in life.

There is always going to be someone who loves you, cares enough to go the distance and make you completely insane.

(or at least make the trip interesting)

Remembering I Was Human

Every now and again, I have a moment of clarity.


Through the fog and fury, for an instant, I remember.


The air is cool, smelling of spring and pine.


I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face.


I feel young, free.


Believe it or not, there was a time when I was gentle, content and maybe even kind.


There wasn't always this bitterness or skepticism.


If you close your eyes, can you see the person you once were?


Sadly, I cannot.


But, for one fleeting moment, I did.


I can't make you feel my heart as it once was, but maybe I can relay the sense of tranquility and hope.


Think weeping willow blowing ever so slightly on a warm breeze.


A meandering stream winding around sandy banks.


The far away sound of a hawk calling to his mate.


Feel the beat of your own heart, slow, hypnotic.


That was where I was for a short time.


Just long enough to yearn for the comfort yet, not long enough to have imprinted with any permanence.


I will get there again.


If you happen to see me along the way, remind me of the journey I am on, I may get sidetracked.


If you are already there,


I'm on my way.

The Many Faces of Men

When you are a child, all of your expectations regarding men are formed according to the opinions of those around you, and the interaction you had with male peers. At five years of age, I already had a really good idea of what a man should be like and I knew exactly what I didn't want in one.


Back then, I knew men should go to work, mow the lawn and drink beer. If you were lucky, they wouldn't break the crayon you wanted to use before you got to it, they wouldn't cut off your braid and they would share their snack with you even if it WAS only a broken cookie that fell on the floor.


Getting older, you learn to form your own opinions and your "must haves" turn into "would be nice ifs".


No longer is it important if they don't cut off your braid, now, you just hope they don't get too close to your scalp. It wouldn't hurt if they didn't secretly want to date your best friend either.


Through middle school, if you could get through just one day without your crush making you feel like running under a bus, it was a really good day.


Just maybe he was coming around. Even if his cheerleader girlfriend DID dump her mystery meat down your back during lunch.


School dances were torture so you hid under the bleachers and waited for


Billy Idol to come on so all the jocks would run around belly-butting and forget you existed for that three whole minutes.


High School, was to say the least, informative.


You learned by observation or by experience that boobs are magical things that have the power to turn cocky, "too good for you" boys,


into your own, personal slaves.


Alcohol contributes more than it's fair share to the promiscuity of even the most prudent of students and behind closed doors, your middle school crush really does know how to say your name without adding a descriptive noun.


The interactions you have with men after school-life can vary.


You have a plethora of venues to choose from.


There's work, you have your responsible, distracted and sometimes married men. The bar scene where you have your after-work crowd, the "regulars" (who could fall into the alcoholic category). Then you have the party guys and the staff. All of whom are potentially married, disturbed, violent, indifferent, diseased or stalker material. Quite a selection, but by far the best playing field.


You could go to church and cut your chances of finding someone,


(after all, who goes to mass everyday?)


Anyway, you can see, the more you get out there, the more exposure you get.


I've found that the boys you once idolized, (or at least tolerated)


as adults, leave much to be desired.


You would think at my age, (undisclosed, yet not ancient)


I would be desperate, perhaps with low expectations and even lower standards.


Not true! I know now that the fact that the cookie hit the floor is NOT good! He should have thought to give it to me before that.


Tastes change but the basic needs a woman develops must be adhered to.


No, we are not going to have sex in the bar's bathroom even if we HAVE known each other two hours.


No,e-mail does not count as a fulfilling relationship.


If you fall asleep before I orgasm, yes dear, I WILL have to smother you with your underwear while you sleep.


It's all much simpler now.


I know that I'll be the one asking him to get me a beer while I'm watching football.


When I go out to change the oil in the truck, I better come back in to an empty sink.


These social websites are wonderful for practicing too!


In fact, on occasion I have the pleasure of chatting with those "too good for you" boys now, as adults. There they are, in all their glory.


Hair thinning, (or better, completely gone!)


Fat and unkempt.


In a dead-end job and totally miserable.


Alone.


I know then that Lady Fate is on her toes.


That's also where the power of boobs comes in handy.


It truly is amazing.


To be able to flash an emicon smile and add an especially good pic of yourself and Poof!


They want you to meet them for dinner, a drink, maybe a quickie.


It's a far cry from what they used to say about and to you in the hallways.


Of coarse, if your looking for "that someone special"


chances are those guys are not keepers.


(remember what they did to you when you got your braces?!)


Don't completely close the door on all of them,


you never know.


Relationships can be tricky.There's so much that could ruin them.


Fear of the unknown is a big one, but even worse is fear of what you DO know.


Over the years, you may have encountered men who cheated, so you almost wait for that to happen again.


Men who are all about themselves, and in bed, that can be especially frustrating.


You may have dated the abusive type, whether it was emotional, verbal or physical. It seems once you've been with one of those,


you attract more of them.


There are men that remind you of dear old Dad, that can go either way.


Good or Bad. It brings us full circle.You're right back to your five year old ideals. Me personally, I'm not looking to date my father.


Once I've caught a glimpse of him in a guy, I'm out the door.


Looking for the perfect mate can be fun, but then again, with so much to worry about, it might be nice to find him right out of the starting gate.


(like physically bumping into him


while your running out of your high school doors)


That way you can skip all the unpleasantness.If your lucky,


he will love the way you wear his sweat pants grocery shopping, shovel a path through the two feet of snow to your car and hold your hair while you throw up the fifteen pounds of chocolate you consumed the day you get your period.


If you are even luckier, he will have never cut off your braid, broke your crayon or gave you that fucking dirty cookie.

So, here we are again.

I've missed you.

Not really.

I feel a need to force my very strong opinions and thoughts on others.

Lucky you.

Lately, things have been grating on my last nerve.

Are you surprised?

People taking up two spaces in the grocery store parking lot,

Facebook posts involving snow,

smiley, happy people (or more the facade),

breathing.

Generally, I keep to myself and give off that

"Don't Fuck With Me" vibe.

You would think that would ward off the crazies right?

No.

They come at me from all directions.

"Hello" they say, "Looks like you could use a hug".

No.

Do I look like the "huggable" type?

"Are those your children?"

No.

I'm just walking around the store collecting them.

As irritating as getting stung by jellyfish and not having a full bladder to put out the flames.

Those are just the strangers.

It's the acquaintances that suck the ever loving life out of me.

For instance,

Agreeing with everything I post, or better yet, ignoring me.

How could you "like" that shit about getting woken up early but NOT SAY ANYTHING about the FedEx guy getting humped by the neighbors sheep for 20 minutes!

Come on people, find your pulse.

How about that girl that used to hunt you down everyday just to kick your ass, wanting you to accept her friend request because "It's been so long!".

No.

I knew when to stuff myself in a locker from the height of her Aqua Net sprayed hair.

(her and her minions)

She is the only reason I now know a thousand ways to hide a body and not get caught.

I've practiced just hoping to run into her.

Joking.

Or am I?

*smiley face*

Gag.

I've had it with the whining.

No, I do not want to hear about how fat you are.

I could care less as to what percentage of fat is in the milk your husband brought home.

Will any of us get through the day without knowing about your cramps?

Republican?

Don't give a shit.

Have the flu?

Need to know basis, like I need to know if I have had my tongue in your mouth.

Did I post about the random piece of ass I got last weekend?

No.

Then for the love of all that is holy, keep your mating rituals to yourself!

(unless it"s porn material and you think I haven't done it)

Anyway.

FAITH?

I'm not sure as to what I should believe in.


There are a few religions out there that have cornered the faith market like they are the only ones that have it.


You have some that use guilt and punishment to force their ideals.


Others try unrelenting harassment.


Some truly are kind and generous with a hint of weird.


Often I come across those who have been "saved".


I feel sorry for anyone within hearing distance of them, because nothing you do will save you from the flames.


Even if they do have six illegitimate children with four women and spend their whole lives hiding from the support magistrate.


There are people who choose to worship quietly


in the comfort of their own homes.


Now, WHAT they are worshiping is a whole other issue.


Up until now, I have rallied against the conformity of Christianity.


Ten people can read the same bible


and walk away with completely different takes on it.


That's why it was written the way it is people,


So it could be manipulated and twisted into whatever one wished.


I prefer the simplicity of the old ways.


Wicca for instance is built around nature


and all that has always existed,


not men that someone embellished on.


My people had what I consider to be a healthy fear of powers greater than man, powers that controlled the fates and allowed food to be brought to the masses.


Nothing in the forest, on the land or in the waters, lived or died without approval and gifts. If the gods were unhappy, the storms would descend and clear away all that was evil.


Population control came disguised as small pocks.


Or the Paleface.


I have always relied on myself to make it through.


Not such a bad plan, though I can understand the need to believe in something other than yourself.


Something bigger than life.


So you have someone else to blame when it all goes to shit.


There are people that go through most of their lives agreeing to disagree with religion, then they get a piece of ass


and they are miraculously a church-going soul.


If I decide on marriage,


I will be content with a quiet,


natural ceremony.


Perhaps even a Justice of the Peace,


but if you think you'll catch me in those greedy, lying, glass houses


well you have another thing coming.


I believe in me.


I believe in my own strength.


I believe in my own ability to overcome.


Only I can make Me happy.


I can provide my own Peace.


I do not have to rely on criminals and crooks


hiding behind their God.