The Many Faces of Men

When you are a child, all of your expectations regarding men are formed according to the opinions of those around you, and the interaction you had with male peers. At five years of age, I already had a really good idea of what a man should be like and I knew exactly what I didn't want in one.


Back then, I knew men should go to work, mow the lawn and drink beer. If you were lucky, they wouldn't break the crayon you wanted to use before you got to it, they wouldn't cut off your braid and they would share their snack with you even if it WAS only a broken cookie that fell on the floor.


Getting older, you learn to form your own opinions and your "must haves" turn into "would be nice ifs".


No longer is it important if they don't cut off your braid, now, you just hope they don't get too close to your scalp. It wouldn't hurt if they didn't secretly want to date your best friend either.


Through middle school, if you could get through just one day without your crush making you feel like running under a bus, it was a really good day.


Just maybe he was coming around. Even if his cheerleader girlfriend DID dump her mystery meat down your back during lunch.


School dances were torture so you hid under the bleachers and waited for


Billy Idol to come on so all the jocks would run around belly-butting and forget you existed for that three whole minutes.


High School, was to say the least, informative.


You learned by observation or by experience that boobs are magical things that have the power to turn cocky, "too good for you" boys,


into your own, personal slaves.


Alcohol contributes more than it's fair share to the promiscuity of even the most prudent of students and behind closed doors, your middle school crush really does know how to say your name without adding a descriptive noun.


The interactions you have with men after school-life can vary.


You have a plethora of venues to choose from.


There's work, you have your responsible, distracted and sometimes married men. The bar scene where you have your after-work crowd, the "regulars" (who could fall into the alcoholic category). Then you have the party guys and the staff. All of whom are potentially married, disturbed, violent, indifferent, diseased or stalker material. Quite a selection, but by far the best playing field.


You could go to church and cut your chances of finding someone,


(after all, who goes to mass everyday?)


Anyway, you can see, the more you get out there, the more exposure you get.


I've found that the boys you once idolized, (or at least tolerated)


as adults, leave much to be desired.


You would think at my age, (undisclosed, yet not ancient)


I would be desperate, perhaps with low expectations and even lower standards.


Not true! I know now that the fact that the cookie hit the floor is NOT good! He should have thought to give it to me before that.


Tastes change but the basic needs a woman develops must be adhered to.


No, we are not going to have sex in the bar's bathroom even if we HAVE known each other two hours.


No,e-mail does not count as a fulfilling relationship.


If you fall asleep before I orgasm, yes dear, I WILL have to smother you with your underwear while you sleep.


It's all much simpler now.


I know that I'll be the one asking him to get me a beer while I'm watching football.


When I go out to change the oil in the truck, I better come back in to an empty sink.


These social websites are wonderful for practicing too!


In fact, on occasion I have the pleasure of chatting with those "too good for you" boys now, as adults. There they are, in all their glory.


Hair thinning, (or better, completely gone!)


Fat and unkempt.


In a dead-end job and totally miserable.


Alone.


I know then that Lady Fate is on her toes.


That's also where the power of boobs comes in handy.


It truly is amazing.


To be able to flash an emicon smile and add an especially good pic of yourself and Poof!


They want you to meet them for dinner, a drink, maybe a quickie.


It's a far cry from what they used to say about and to you in the hallways.


Of coarse, if your looking for "that someone special"


chances are those guys are not keepers.


(remember what they did to you when you got your braces?!)


Don't completely close the door on all of them,


you never know.


Relationships can be tricky.There's so much that could ruin them.


Fear of the unknown is a big one, but even worse is fear of what you DO know.


Over the years, you may have encountered men who cheated, so you almost wait for that to happen again.


Men who are all about themselves, and in bed, that can be especially frustrating.


You may have dated the abusive type, whether it was emotional, verbal or physical. It seems once you've been with one of those,


you attract more of them.


There are men that remind you of dear old Dad, that can go either way.


Good or Bad. It brings us full circle.You're right back to your five year old ideals. Me personally, I'm not looking to date my father.


Once I've caught a glimpse of him in a guy, I'm out the door.


Looking for the perfect mate can be fun, but then again, with so much to worry about, it might be nice to find him right out of the starting gate.


(like physically bumping into him


while your running out of your high school doors)


That way you can skip all the unpleasantness.If your lucky,


he will love the way you wear his sweat pants grocery shopping, shovel a path through the two feet of snow to your car and hold your hair while you throw up the fifteen pounds of chocolate you consumed the day you get your period.


If you are even luckier, he will have never cut off your braid, broke your crayon or gave you that fucking dirty cookie.